Clint Eastwood's Last Ride: Hang High 2 - a horror story

(originally posted on Tuesday, March 10, 2009 - but in the news and our lives every day)

Imagine that Clint Eastwood is saddling
up for the last time and that he has warrants for every crook, slime ball and miscreant on Wall Street and throughout the nation who contributed to the current financial disaster.
He is also under instructions to bring back the worst offenders dead
or alive. Along with him are Morgan Freeman, Gene Hackman, and Samuel Jackson. None of them have shaved recently, and they look like they have ridden from Silver City Nevada without a bath. They are the modern day four Horsemen of the apocalypse for financial felons. Don't be afraid, be very afraid.


They ride across the Brooklyn Bridge, through lower Manhattan to the Goldman Sachs Building. Clint, Morgan, and Samuel dismount while Gene proceeds up Broadway with a mule following behind him. Clint reaches into a leather pouch and pulls out a large handful of warrants. He distributes them to Morgan and Samuel, and the three of them walk up to the front door. They are immediately confronted by security guards, but when Clint squints at them the guards all melt away. The three men draw their weapons, enter the building, and then ride up the elevator. A half an hour later, 50 men are marched out of the building onto a waiting bus. This is no ordinary bus, it's a black bus with the words "Bound for Hell" written on the side of it.


After leaving the Goldman Sachs Building, the four horsemen proceed to Morgan Stanley, J.P. Morgan, and on to Citigroup. By the time they are finished at Citigroup six busloads of prisoners have been collected. While Clint, Morgan and Samuel have been rounding up their felons, Gene Hackman rode to Bernie Madoff's apartment. Gene rides up the elevator and knocks on Bernie's apartment door. When Bernie opens the door Gene sticks the warrant in front of his face and grabs him by the collar. Gene drags Bernie down every step and out the front door. He puts Bernie on the mule facing backwards, ties his feet together, and his hands behind him to the pommel.


Clint is chewing on a cigar when Gene rides up towing Bernie behind him. The four men ride to the Holland Tunnel; the six buses following them. A half hour later, the four horsemen emerge towing Bernie behind them. But the buses are nowhere to be seen. Screams are heard from within the tunnel, but when police are sent in to investigate they can't find the source of the screams. Neither can scientific investigators find any sign of the buses.


Even as Clint, Morgan, Samuel, and Gene ride south towards Washington, and eventually Charlotte, with an even larger bundle of warrants, the buses still don't emerge from the tunnel. In fact, the buses are never seen again. Perhaps the "Bound for Hell" on the side of the buses wasn't a metaphor. On to Washington. The buses filled with prisoners from the Senate, the House of Representatives, lobbyists, and other miscreants, also disappear never to be found again.


The screams continue for weeks and months. Ordinary drivers wearing earplugs are able to drive through the tunnel. However, anyone working in the financial industry is driven insane as soon as they enter the tunnel.